Letter from intrusive thoughts

This week’s letter is very different from what I had envisaged people writing about in this column, but it focuses on something very personal to me and is very powerful, and so had to be published.

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted and dangerous, and this week’s letter is written from a voice in one reader’s head. Thankfully its writer did beat this voice, and is now well again.

If you are at all vulnerable then please read carefully as this may be a trigger for some.

—

Dear Me,

Seeing as you are not listening to me I have no choice but to scream a little louder.

I am always here you know. I am a part of you and am inside your head and controlling your thoughts. But you know that already and you can challenge me all you want, but I won’t ever go away.

And the thing is, you know I’m right, don’t you? I make perfect sense. In fact, nothing has ever been clearer than my voice right now. I love sucking you in before going quiet for a couple of days and making you think you’ve won. But you’ll never win. Want to know why? It’s because you are pathetic and weak. Not strong enough to even control your own mind.

I’m too ingrained now. You’ve let me go too deep. I don’t care that you used to be confident, successful, and happy. You don’t deserve any of that now and I will keep telling you, over and over and over again how worthless you are until you believe me. And I’m nearly there. I am tantalisingly close to overpowering your every thought and feeling.

Do I enjoy this? Why of course. Anxiety is part of who I am and I thrive off your increased adrenaline and panic. Fear feeds me. Helps me grow stronger. The more scared you are the more powerful I become. When your heart beats faster it fills me with fresh blood and noise. Didn’t you know? I can control your body as well. Maybe you really are dying this time. You’ll never know until it happens. And it could.

This won’t ever change. Piece by piece I’m wearing you down and it is so easy because you are letting me. Everyone else can see it too. They know how stupid you are. How incompetent. You’re best off on your own. No one likes you anyway.

I’m always here, even when I am quiet, gaining momentum, ready for an even stronger attack. And soon I’ll be so familiar you’ll never want to let me go.

Speak soon.

Love always, the intrusive voices in your head.

As always, if you would like to contribute to this column, maybe you’d like to write back to the intrusive voice, then please email editor@bristolwoman.org.uk.